When the Screens Take Over: A Parent Coach Helps you to Reclaim Balance in a Digital World
If you’ve ever looked up from your own phone to realize your entire family is glued to a screen, you’re not alone. Many parents are feeling overwhelmed by how quickly tech use—and social media in particular—has taken over their homes. As a parenting coach, this comes up as an issue with almost every family I work with.
You want more presence, more real connection, and less scrolling, but how do you get there without constant conflict? In this blog, we’ll unpack the emotional tug-of-war around screen time, why boundaries often backfire, and how to create a tech-balanced home that feels calm, connected, and (yes!) still fun.
Beware the Slippery Slope: Think before you allow tech
I am working with a dad of a six-year-old who is struggling to calm down and go to sleep at night. A friend suggested that he check out a mindfulness app for his daughter.
Now, mindfulness is great, and there are a lot of great apps out there to help us develop habits of being more present.
But I would be very, very wary of developing a habit in a child that requires her to have a phone near or in her bed as she goes off to sleep. While the mindfulness app may be super helpful, the next app she learns about from her friends might not be—and it is going to be much harder to say no when you have already set the precedent of tech in the bedroom.
Before making a change in how much tech you allow, think of replacement activities
Before you think about cutting down on screens, check, do you have good alternatives in place?
For example, maybe you have decided that it really helps to have the kids entertained in the car—fewer fights in the back seat and less whining, in general. You’ve been showing videos or maybe providing them with an iPad each.
Stopping cold turkey is probably not going to work, but you could introduce an audiobook or songs that you all sing together. Or like when we were kids, play 21 questions or the alphabet game. While singing and playing takes more energy in the short run, it is win-win in the long run: Firstly, your kids will be off their screens; secondly, you will arrive where you are going, having had fun and feeling more connected. That will get you more flow and cooperation.
With Tweens, require training before free access
Even if you have already been in the habit of handing your kid your phone at a restaurant or standing in line at the supermarket, you can take a step back by requiring extensive training.
Apologize and say, “Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’ve been letting you have access to something that is potentially really dangerous without giving you any tools to be safe. Before I just hand my phone over to you, we are going to do some training about how to use different apps and what’s safe and what is not safe.”
In California, at least, before you can get your driver’s license, you have to spend 50 hours learning with your parent sitting next to you as you drive down the street. I would like to see parents applying a similar principle: Before letting your child loose unsupervised, spend 50 hours using and discussing the World Wide Web and apps and how to use them appropriately.
Show them what is real and what is AI or a bot. Show them examples of fake profiles that might look innocent but are not. Share stories of when you have gotten angry or had your feelings hurt because of how someone reacted to what you posted.
Talk about online etiquette. What’s okay to post or send? What isn’t? How do you handle it if someone sends you something that makes you uncomfortable?
Teach your kids how to be discerning. Share with them examples of scams. Talk about what the scammers want and how they play on people’s emotions to trick them.
Practice, practice, practice when to engage an adult’s help in deciding if something is safe.
Yes, getting through 50 hours will take a lot of time, but this works because you are actually spending time side by side with your kids: They get their tech and they get you, too. At the end of the day, your attention is more precious to them than interacting with a screen.
Limiting Tech with Teens
The older your teens get, the more you need to help them develop their own awareness of how they are spending their time online.
Putting a lot of parentally imposed limits in place is an invitation for your teens to push back, to get sneaky, to lie, and to resent you.
Instead, consider a weekly check-in.
Together, look at how this week’s usage compares to last week's usage. Where are they spending their time? What feels good about that? What maybe doesn’t feel so good? What has their tech time kept them from in the real world? Would they be willing to shift their online use to something more hands-on? For example, I play Sudoku, Ken Ken, and Solitaire online. All of these things can be done with pen and pencil just as easily.
A lot of teens do all their socializing through their phones. Rather than telling them they can’t use their phone or have limited time, instead, put your energy into encouraging them to meet in person. Create an atmosphere at home where your house is the place to be. Be welcoming of teen noise and chaos. Stock the fridge with a supply of frozen pizza and the cupboards with hot chocolate with marshmallows. Host crafting or baking nights. (It turns out even teenage boys like to decorate gingerbread houses!) Getting teens to gather in person might be an uphill battle at first, but it will pay off big dividends in the end.
Instead of teens watching movies on their laptops in their rooms, watch with them in the family room—even if it is not at all the kind of movie you want to watch—and make it a rule that you aren’t watching while also being on your phone or laptop. Yes, it is still screen time, but it is better for their eyes to watch something across the room and, more importantly, the chances of you engaging them in conversation at the end of the movie are much greater.
Work on your own screentime habits before you correct your kids’ usage.
If ever there were an arena to practice what you preach, screen time is probably it. Before making any changes with your kids, be sure you have cleaned up how you are using your devices.
The habit I am working on breaking right now is not deluding myself that I can get work done and watch television at the same time. I have long been in the habit of bringing my laptop to the couch to get work done, telling myself, “I’m watching TV with my husband.” Wrong. My body is sitting next to him, but if I am working, I am really not watching. That means no shared laughter, no shared tender moments, no new information or news to talk about.
Instead, now I might work a little longer before coming to the couch, but then I leave my laptop in my office.
Whether it is with your partner or your children, pretending that you are present but really being on your screens cheats everyone and leaves everyone feeling disconnected.
For the whole family, focus on good sleep hygiene.
In the process of parenting coaching, I have observed that the worst conflicts around tech tend to come up at bedtime.
Instead of focusing on cutting off or prohibiting tech, talk about the importance of sleep.
Is everyone in the family getting at least 8 hours of sleep? (Little kids and many teens need much more.) Are they falling asleep easily? Even if they are going to bed at a reasonable hour, are they staying asleep or falling back asleep quickly?
Your worry about good sleep habits feels more reasonable to kids than your controlling their screens; at the same time, if you can encourage your family to get to bed on time, you will solve a lot of the dangers of technology right there.
It will be much easier to say no to electronic devices in the bedroom at night if it is about good sleep vs. arguing your child’s ability to exercise self-control and not respond to messages during the night.
If the problem is so bad, you need to go cold turkey, do not go it alone.
You might have a family member who truly seems addicted to their device. Maybe they scream or cry or get violent when you take screens away.
This is a serious and needs to be addressed. I strongly recommend getting the help of a professional to help you structure how to decide when to go cold turkey, how you are going to talk to your kids about the decision, and what to do when the going gets hard.
Would you like to have a conversation about how screen usage is affecting your home? Find a time for a Getting to Know You Call. On the call, you can share with me what is going on and if I think I can help, I’ll ask permission to share how I work with families. If I don’t think I can help, we’ll brainstorm other resources and professionals that could help.