A Parenting Coach Explains How to Help Your Older Kids Get the Rest They Need

Think sleep struggles are just a toddler issue? Think again.

Many families I work with while parenting coaching are surprised (and honestly, relieved) to hear they’re not the only ones dealing with late nights, grumpy mornings, and battles over bedtime with older kids. Whether it’s a 10-year-old who “just isn’t tired” until midnight or a teen who insists they need their phone in bed, the struggle is real—and it’s not just about being tired.

Sleep is foundational. Without it, kids have a harder time regulating their emotions, focusing in school, handling stress, and showing up as their best selves. And as frustrating as sleep resistance can be, there are real reasons behind it—and real ways to turn things around.

The Sleep Myth: "They’ll Figure It Out"

One of the biggest misconceptions I see is the idea that older kids should be able to manage their own sleep.

Here’s the truth: Even teens need structure. Their brains are under massive construction, and their natural sleep cycles shift later—which means they may not feel tired until 11 p.m. or later, even if they have to be up at 6:30 a.m. for school. That’s biology—not laziness.

But combine that biological shift with school demands, extracurriculars, late-night scrolling, and very little downtime... and suddenly, you’ve got a perfect storm of exhaustion and resistance.

Client Story: Sam and the Never-Ending Bedtime

Sam was 12 when his mom, Maria, reached out. She was exhausted from the nightly tug-of-war that had replaced their formerly peaceful evenings. Sam insisted he wasn’t tired at 9:00—or even 10:00. “I just want some time to chill!” he’d say. But by morning, getting him out of bed was a nightmare. Maria described herself as “starting and ending every day with a fight.”

In our sessions, we unpacked what was really going on. Sam was struggling to transition out of his busy day. He felt like his whole day was scheduled for him—school, homework, sports—and bedtime felt like just one more rule imposed on him. What he needed was some sense of control.

So we created a wind-down routine that gave him choices. Sam could choose one of three relaxing activities after 9:00—reading, a podcast, or quiet drawing—but screens were off. We also gave him a gentle heads-up timer and built in a “lights out” window instead of a hard cut-off. Within two weeks, the nightly battles were gone—and mornings got easier, too.

What's Really Getting in the Way of Sleep?

If your older child or teen is resisting bedtime, it’s rarely just about being defiant. Here are a few common blockers I see in my coaching practice:

1. Lack of Transition Time

Kids go from stimulation (school, devices, social media) straight to bed. Their brains are still spinning.

2. Emotional Spillover

If your child is anxious, overwhelmed, or going through something hard, they may avoid bedtime because it’s the only quiet space where those feelings show up.

3. Power Struggles

Sleep is often one of the few things a child can “control.” If there are other areas where they feel powerless, bedtime may become a battleground.

4. Inconsistent Boundaries

When bedtime changes from night to night—or parents don’t follow through—kids don’t know what to expect. That unpredictability makes it harder to settle down.

Parent Coaching Helps Reset the Routine—Without the Power Struggles

One of the most helpful things about parenting coaching is that it provides a neutral lens. You get to step back and look at what’s happening in your home without judgment. We identify what’s really going on, then co-create structure and rituals that support sleep—and connection. You know that if you come at this issue from a my-way-or-the-highway stance, you’ll just end up going head-to-head with your child.

Client Story: Tasha and the Midnight Snapchats

Tasha’s 15-year-old daughter, Jordan, insisted that she needed her phone to fall asleep. But every morning, Tasha was finding Jordan groggy, moody, and barely functional. It turned out she was up until 1 or 2 a.m. responding to Snapchat streaks because she “didn’t want to let anyone down.”

Instead of immediately pulling the plug (which would have caused a full-blown rebellion), we worked on helping Jordan see the impact of her choices. At the same time, we worked on giving Jordan the skills she needed to set some boundaries with her friends. She had to learn to say something like, “I love you guys, but I’m gonna have to catch up with you in the morning.”

As a mom, Tasha learned how to guide the conversation without lecturing—using the communication strategies we practiced. Together, they agreed on a tech-free bedroom, and Jordan got an old-school alarm clock so she didn’t “need” her phone.

The result? Jordan’s sleep improved, her mood lifted, and their relationship became more collaborative—not combative.

Tools to Start Shifting Sleep Habits at Home

Whether your child is 9 or 17, it’s not too late to get back on track. Here are a few tools you can start using tonight:

✅ Create a calming wind-down routine (with input from your child)

Even 15–30 minutes of quiet time before bed—without screens—can signal to the brain that it’s time to rest.

✅ Set consistent bedtime windows, not just rigid rules

Give kids a little flexibility to choose their bedtime within a range (e.g., “lights out between 9:30 and 10”), while keeping the routine steady.

✅ Use natural consequences—not punishment

Instead of arguing or threatening, let them experience the consequence (e.g., “Looks like staying up late made the morning hard. Let’s see what we can do differently tonight.”)

✅ Reframe the conversation

Talk about sleep as a tool for feeling better, thinking clearly, and doing the things they care about—not just a chore. You might invite them to keep a sleep log, so they can notice their own patterns and draw their own conclusions.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Rest, Too

Sometimes, sleep struggles with older kids take such a toll on parents that we forget how much rest we need, too.

If bedtime has become a nightly battle in your home, know that you’re not failing. You’re facing a real challenge—and you don’t have to figure it out alone.

In my Harmony at Home coaching program, I help parents build strong, sustainable routines that bring ease and cooperation back into the house. That includes sleep—because when everyone is rested, everything else gets easier.

Want to explore how coaching could support your family? I’d love to talk.

Because peaceful evenings, smoother mornings, and a more connected home aren’t just possible—they’re within reach.